Halloween is here. And you know what that means. Spirit Halloween stores across the country are more swamped than a Wal-Mart on Black Friday. You could drive from store to store picking through the dregs of near-empty Halloween costume racks. Thankfully, you don’t have to because The Guerrilla Politic has a list of last-minute Halloween costumes that are not only simple, they’re perfect for the United States we are currently living in.
Republican Congressperson
If you have a suit or a modest blouse and skirt, you’re all set. But it doesn’t really matter what you wear, because this costume is all about attitude. Hit the streets on Halloween night and start swatting bags of candy out of trick-or-treaters’ hands while screaming about the dangers of socialism. Teach those kids that real patriots don’t take handouts! Extra points if you accuse their parents of being pedophiles while you’re at it.
Democratic Congressperson
Follow around someone dressed as a Republican Congressperson and as they literally take candy from babies, point your finger at them and scream, “This is not the America I know! I demand answers from my Republican colleagues!” Make sure you tell the children who have had their candy scattered all over the sidewalk, “If I were your congressperson, I wouldn’t target you. Not in such an obvious way.”
The East Wing of the White House
Historical figures make for great Halloween costumes. Dressing up as the White House’s East Wing is easy and costs next to nothing. Just go roll around in some dirt. Because that’s literally all that’s left of the East Wing. It’s 100% gone, torn down by a madman who has no respect for history or the country, in order to build a ballroom paid for in part by Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. God bless America!
The Constitution
All you need is a few sheets of paper and a lighter. Then, to borrow a phrase from Ron Popeil, “Set it and forget it.”
Environmental Protection Agency
Get yourself one of those big bottles of Round Up with the application wand. Just spray that shit everywhere. On lawns, on flowerbeds, on people, directly in the town water supply. Just go nuts.
Mark Zuckerberg
Get the ugliest pair of glasses you can find, write “Meta” on a t-shirt, and then punch yourself in the nuts.
Measles
Thanks to the anti-vaxxer currently in charge of the country’s health, measles couldn’t be easier to contract. But in case you haven’t been able to visit an evangelical church camp or a preschool for the children of wellness influencers, just grab yourself a red Sharpie and start making dots. Couldn’t be easier.
Zyn Pouch
Popularized by none other than the aforementioned anti-vaxxer tasked with Making America Healthy Again, the Zyn Pouch is the new mummy costume. All you have to do is wrap your body in toilet paper dampened with saliva.
Antifa
Oh, so NOW you want to be anti-fascist? Better late than never, I guess. Good luck trying to find an inflatable frog costume on the dark web.
Have a safe and Happy Halloween from your favorite progressive agency!