By Senior Copywriter/Associate Creative Director D’Anne Witkowski
It’s spooky season, and Spirit Halloween stores are being overrun with last-minute shoppers looking for the perfect costume—or, if not perfect, at least still in stock. Trust: if you want to experience true retail chaos, stop by a Spirit store on Oct. 30.
But if you’re more of a DIY costumer, you’re in luck. Because TGP is back with more Timely Halloween Costume ideas. (And if you want more ideas, our ideas from last year are, sadly, still painfully relevant).
American President
Put on a fine Jos. A. Bank suit that is at least two-sizes too large. Clutch a picture of a lion, bear, snake, and giraffe. While pointing to the giraffe, tell everyone you encounter, “I’m a freaking genius.” Then bomb Iran.
Trad Wife
Don a fitted gingham dress and a bit of makeup (but not so much that you look like a whore). Bake a loaf of sourdough bread, can some homemade marmalade, and homeschool your eight children. Be sure to kiss your husband when he comes home after a long day at the fascism factory. Massage his back while whispering things in his ear you know turn him on like, “Let’s try for triplets” and “I shouldn’t have the right to vote.”
Secretary of War
Get yourself in front of a group of decorated United States admirals and generals and tell them they’re a bunch of fat, lazy, cuck losers. Don’t forget the Christian nationalist tattoos.
Trillionaire Mass Murderer
This costume is tricky because you need a trillion dollars. The good news is that the biggest fucking loser with the most punchable face on earth managed to do it, so don’t ever give up. After you’ve amassed your fortune, set fire to food aid intended for starving children in the most impoverished areas of the world. Blinged-out chainsaw not included.
Trump Store
Gather up as many Trump 2028 flags, “Trump was right about everything” shirts, Make America Great Again hats, 45/47 snow globes, and embroidered Trump golf shirts as you can hold and hang a “Going out of business” sign around your neck.
Manosphere Influencer
Form very strong opinions about women coupled with very little knowledge about women. Carry a bottle of red pills and hand them to all of the men you see. Wear a shirt tight enough to show off your ripped abs, preferably printed with an alpha male slogan like, “The Matrix Was a Documentary” or “Your body my choice,” and rage about how all of the women you hate won’t have sex with you.
Cyclospora
The breakout foodborne illness star of 2026 (so far, anyway)! Put on a large clear trash bag and fill it with iceberg lettuce. Slap on a Taylor Farms logo. Put on a pair of khakis or other light-colored pants after you’ve used brown shoe polish, paint, or other dye to color the backside. Voilà! You’re now a walking billboard for the Trump Administration’s FDA.
With ideas like this, who needs monsters? Speaking of monsters, plenty of them are on the ballot. Make a plan to vote in the midterms. Because letting these assholes win is the scariest thing of all.